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Behind the White Noise

by Ted Mccloskey

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1.
Jane, Jane 03:07
Jane,Jane It’s never quiet When will it get quiet? Best not to fight it Or it will never get quiet It’s been several hours I haven’t moved in hours It’s getting louder and louder But I haven’t moved in hours I can’t stop my brain, can’t turn off my brain Jane, Jane, get me off this crazy thing There’s a constant throb The same constant throb The same circle of thoughts The same constant throb I want out of my head Just walk out of my head Walk right to the edge And walk right out of my head I can’t stop my brain, can’t turn off my brain Jane, Jane, get me off this crazy thing My legs move without consent Muscles twitch without consent Trapped in my skin without consent
2.
I’ve Seen Too Much I open my eyes, nothing here is familiar I’m paralyzed by this face in this mirror The longer I look the more I’m drawn in, I can’t stop, stop, stop I just can’t stop, stop, stop At first I saw nothing and now I’ve seen too much I’m a stranger and that thought is appealing But all of my flaws all at once will reveal me They start eating at me and then I just can’t stop, stop, stop I can’t make it stop, stop stop At first I saw nothing and now I’ve seen too much I’m cruel and I’m callous when I’m magnified I’m spiteful with malice, this reflection of mine This stranger I see in all my nightmares Is just looking at me and all I do is stare, it’s too much, much, much I’ve seen too much, much, much I’ve seen too much, much, much
3.
Flutter and Wow Broken dreams, they always seem to find the most vulnerable And you can’t see past the one you put on your pedestal You get played, there goes another heart left on your sleeve By some sugar babe that pawns you off on some pyramid scheme You flutter and wow Oblivious that you’re living in denial You flutter and wow Just pretending to be...ssomebody else Just like your mom, you walk around as fragile as a bomb Thinking that you’re strong then you explode if a...dare proves you wrong Rose colored eyes, they leave you blind, you’re just fooling yourself Lie after lie and no rational words can break the spell You’re not here. I’m looking in your eyes an you’re not here You stopped being yourself and started being a mirror
4.
How to Live with a Ghost You crawl inside your couch and don’t tell a soul Those cushions make you feel like you have control You can save everyone but you can’t save yourself When you’re the one that shuts down and never asks for help What you’re hiding from, nobody knows But it’s high time you make friends with the ghost You stick to a rigid morning routine And keep that one room apartment painfully clean You neatly fold dirty clothes till they look pristine All to keep skeletons where they can’t be seen What you’re hiding them from, you don’t know It’s high time you make friends with the ghost Keep to yourself, stay in your room Where no one can see all of those wounds “Keep to yourself, clean up that room” That’s where you spent your misspent youth Whatever childhood you had was stolen from you It’s the damaged world that you woke up to What you didn’t know then, you fully now But you’re too hard on yourself to let yourself down What you’re hiding from, deep down you know It’s high time to make friends with the ghost Shake, shake, shake hands with the ghost Make, make, make friends with the ghost That’s how to live with a ghost
5.
14 More Mondays I’ve got 14 more Modays to work myself free 14 more Mondays to find the gall to leave Inertia kept my heart hanging up in this place I’m kind of annoyed that it’s taking up this much head space You’ve got 14 more Mondays before I walk out of here 14 more Mondays then I disappear There’s too blame laying at this open door I need to make a move or I’ll resent this more and more There’s too much contempt, too many grudges I’m not mincing words, not pulling punches You’ve got 14 more Mondays and then I’m gone You’ve got 14 more Mondays till my goodbye 14 more Mondays to change my mind
6.
Love Bomb Cult Mr. Friday night, you’re not what I hoped you would be But I’m ignoring your red flags while you’re here flattering me Shower me with love, shower me with affection There’s dopamine rush with all this attention And we’re all consenting adults in this love bomb cult Mr. Friday night, are you a perpetual talking machine? You’ve got so many big words with so little meaning I’ve got a mirror charmer, love bomber spoon feeding me It’s been a pretty good night for my self esteem And we’re all consenting adults in this love bomb cult Mr. Friday night, you’ve been a serotonin release But I have no desperate need for your company I’ve soaked you all up with my last grain of salt We’re both being used so no one’s at fault And we’re all consenting adults in this love bomb cult
7.
Parasite 03:35
Parasite You walk inside without knocking Without deference There’s no standing invitation No public access You sit yourself at the party The most unwelcomed guest Dining at someone else’s table At someone else’s expense You’re a monster starving for attention You’re a monster draining me of life You’re a monster completely codependent You’re a monster that only seems to strengthen You’re a monster that’s eating me alive You act just like you’re a parasite I’m a frail and fragile host Feel free to feed off of me You outwit my immune system No one’s left to intervene I feel deep violent puncture wounds Ones you can’ t see from outside I hear the howl and growl of a carnivore Stabbing me with a butcher’s knife You’re a monster starving for attention You’re a monster draining me of life You’re a monster completely codependent You’re a monster that only seems to strengthen You’re a monster that’s eating me alive You act just like you’re a parasite Out of the water into you, out of you into me Out of the water into you, out of you into me
8.
Invisible Storm I keep a strict regimen Of coffee and adrenaline I open up and it pours in Through every pore in my skin Yeah’ I’m in pretty good form I feel everything accelerate My thoughts, my pulse, my next heartbreak Nervous smiles and shifting weight Just waiting for my next mistake Yeah, it’s pretty hard to ignore I can’t concentrate, I can’t seem to focus, it’s an invisible storm My voice gets lost in a crowd Cluttered words through a dry mouth I’m talking nonsense to myself As I quickly drown in doubt Yeah I’m in pretty good form Words unsaid and second guessed Wrestle with my restlessness I can’t stay in the present tense As storm clouds gather in my chest Yeah, it’s pretty hard to ignore I can’t concentrate, I can’t seem to focus, it’s an invisible storm It’s raining now, relief is on the way It’s raining now, relief is on the way
9.
Evalina 03:14
Evalina She walked in like lighting, her presence was blinding, it lit up a pitch black night I grieved as she fell back to the shadows and receded out of my line of sight I wait for the storm to strike me again, for lightning to pull me back under To send static and shivers down through my spine to hush my timid roars of thunder I needed a name, all good things need a name, a name that needs repeated I jumped out of my skin and started to spin when I dreamed up my girl named Evalina She says that she’s melancholy She doesn’t like to be called sad In a dark dismal world there skin white as pearl In a girl named Evalina I can’t decide if I want to kiss her or be her, I’d be perfectly fine with either I just worship the quicksand that she walks upon; my greatest invention, Evalina She says that she’s melancholy She doesn’t like to be called sad In a dark dismal world but there skin white as pearl In a girl named Evalina
10.
Huddled at the Door We’re all a little broken here So you’ll fit in just fine We might be here awhile So take a breath, exhale You can change inside Everyone’s a vagrant here Looking for a place to hide The rain’s falling down hard Just come in as you are You can change inside Everyone is a soldier here Fighting their own war There’s more of us than you could ever imagine Huddled at the door I know you’re in survival mode And taking hits on the frontline So just come in get warm You don’t have to say a word You can change inside We’re huddled at the door Causalities of war Waiting to change inside

about

“Behind the White Noise” is a very special record for me because it deals with mental health, something I’ve struggled with for most of my life.

The ten song collection features characters that are a composite of myself and people I have known. Each one is dealing with some sort of emotional trauma, overwhelming anxiety, body dysmorphia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, disassociation, or crippling depression.

Despite the subject matter, this record is not a compilation of slow tempo dirges. There are some rockers, some cool beats, some fun twists, and some nods to my influences.

Writing these songs and highlighting the struggles and bravery of these characters was very therapeutic for me. The album ends on neither a note of hopelessness or hope, but rather one of camaraderie. “Everyone is a soldier here.”

This record is dedicated to everyone bravely fighting their own war.

credits

released July 14, 2023

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Ted Mccloskey State College, Pennsylvania

Ted McCloskey has been telling compelling stories to local and national audiences for years. He is a singer/songwriter, a multi-instrumentalist, a producer and film composer. He has eleven records to his name alone. His music has been featured on hundreds of network and cable programs and he’s shared the stage with the likes of Jason Isbell, Ryan Adams, and Alejandro Escovedo. ... more

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